How Attachment Styles Show Up in Dating

Early childhood experiences often have a profound impact on our lives as adults. Many people may be surprised to hear that. However, the relationships you do or don't have with caretakers during this part of your life can be carried with you into adulthood. Unknowingly, you may be reactive to other people or situations, but you don't understand why. Or, you may find it difficult to trust other people, so you don't let anyone get too close to you. There might be many situations where you think, "I don't understand why I'm like this."

From our early childhood relationships, we form attachment styles that shape our relationships in the future. To better understand attachment styles, let's talk about what exactly attachment theory is.

What Is Attachment Theory?

There are four main types of attachment styles that adults can have. Fearful-avoidant, anxious-preoccupied, disorganized, and secure. Those with the first three attachment styles may have had challenges with caretakers growing up. In childhood, caregivers may have been unreliable or neglectful towards their basic needs. Or, the relationship and home life may have been unpredictable or erratic, causing someone to feel as if they could only depend on themselves.

Alternatively, someone with a secure attachment may have likely had caregivers engaged with their upbringing. The child in this situation was brought up feeling safe, loved, and cared for.

Keep in mind that no attachment style is considered bad, but they can be maladaptive, posing problems while dating. Here is how each attachment style impacts somebody's dating life.

Attachment Styles and Their Impact On Dating

Anxious

People with this type of style often had caregivers who were emotionally unavailable to them. As children, they may have had an intense fear of being left alone. Or, they may have doubted that no one cared about them.

In adults, this manifests in individuals by causing low self-esteem. In all likelihood, they still have an intense fear of being abandoned. As a result, these individuals often become attached to the people they date rather quickly. They may be seen as clingy or easily jealous. They may spend a lot of time second-guessing every text message, call, conversation, or facial expression.

Disorganized

In early childhood, people who form this type of style may have faced abusive situations in their childhood. As children, we expect our parents to be a source of security. Instead, when there is any type of abuse, it can leave a child feeling confused or lost.

In adulthood, this manifests in wanting to have a relationship with others. However, someone will have an intense fear of getting hurt. They may not trust other people or their intentions in the relationship or while dating.

Avoidant

In early childhood, someone may have had no real relationship with their caregivers. In these cases, the relationships were neither good nor bad. As a result, later in life, someone may not realize the importance of being close to another person. They keep everyone at a distance because they don't want to get hurt or let their guard down around other people. People with this attachment style may be cold and distant.

Secure

Individuals with a secure attachment to their caregivers felt love and safety from those around them. As adults, this manifests as a stronger sense of self and having healthy relationships. Individuals are more likely to be open communicators with confidence in who they are. While they are independent, they aren't afraid to depend on another person.

Not Happy With Your Attachment Style?

It's always possible to change. If you recognize signs of an attachment style you don't care for, that doesn't mean you are destined to stay this way. Like most other aspects of life, attachment styles are a learned behavior.

If you'd like to begin your journey of changing your attachment style and forming healthy dating relationships, reach out to learn more about couples therapy or relationship counseling.