Transforming Your Conflict From Destructive to Productive
Most couples get into arguments. It's unfortunate, but it's natural to have disagreements with your partner occasionally. You both come from different upbringings and pasts. Juggling careers, families, and social and household responsibilities can bring a lot of tension to a relationship, as well.
While arguing is natural in a relationship, it becomes problematic when it becomes destructive in nature. Examples of destructive conflict in a relationship are:
Throwing insults at one another
Bringing up past mistakes that were said or done
Screaming at each other
Arguing every single day or quite frequently
When these things happen, it often isn't a sign of incompatibility but an issue of unresolved issues within the relationship. It might be surprising to hear, but conflict in a relationship, when done right, can be healthy. Here's how to change conflict from being destructive to productive.
Step 1: Don't Bring Up the Past
We all know how it goes. You start arguing about one thing, and it turns into another. Suddenly, you aren't just arguing about one thing but all the things — including the past.
This is often where we see conflict becoming destructive because, at this point, you are both just saying what is on your mind. This is often a sign that past problems weren't properly resolved, so they keep popping back up.
If you find that you are disagreeing or in an argument about something, keep the focus on the conversation about this topic. Bringing up the past, in this moment, serves no purpose other than getting each other more irritated with one another.
Step 2: Treat Each Other With Respect
Your partner did something to make you furious. You need to articulate how you feel, but you're also human, so that doesn't always come easily. When two people are arguing, they commonly throw insults at one another or belittle each other. In every case, this will just add fuel to an already out-of-control burning fire.
You can learn to turn conflict into a productive conversation by stopping this cycle. Remember, this is the person you have committed to and hurting each other with your words will not be helpful or result in productive conflict.
Step 3: Listen, Don't Just Speak
Something that many of us commonly do is speak but not listen. Or, we listen, but we only hear what we want to hear. We do this for many reasons, but it serves no purpose regardless of why it's done. In an argument, do you find that you often speak over one another? Interjecting when you don't like how or what was said by your partner? These are key signs that you aren't truly listening to your partner.
When they are speaking, as hard as it may be, let them finish what they are saying. Waiting your turn in the conversation will help them see that you truly listen to what they are saying. It will also help to prevent conflict because you won't be talking, and eventually shouting, over one another to be heard.
Step 4: Seek Counselling
We truly get it; most of us want our private affairs to be kept, well, private. Trying to bring another person into the conversation can be uncomfortable, especially someone you haven't met. However, this third person is likely the best chance you will have to begin fully resolving your issues.
Therapy is a safe space for all involved and not a place where you will be judged. As therapists, we have heard it all, and not much can surprise us. It's also not in our nature to judge or shame any person or couple for what they have said or done in the past.
Instead, our goal with therapy is to resolve conflict once and for all and to teach you both how to communicate more effectively. If you are ready to put the canons down and return to a place of peace, contact us for couples therapy.
